I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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