i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
