Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
