there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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