First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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