No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
