Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
