I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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