either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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