Having a random hookup so left but love u
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
