guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
