I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
