I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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