He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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