My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
