1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
