Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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