do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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