There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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