I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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not ubering you a puppy
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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