How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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