i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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