Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
