I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
