When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
