Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
