is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
