The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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