I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
