rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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