Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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