That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
