can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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