I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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