Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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