When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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