we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
