dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
