my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
