just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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