my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
