He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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