Acid is not a monday night drug
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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