My underwear smells like fireworks.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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