Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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