I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
