We're like a lot better than the average bears
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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