i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
