Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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