Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
