my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
