What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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