I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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