Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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