me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
